TOWIE episode summary: Season Five, Episode 1

This is the beginning of my recaps, summaries, episode guides, poetics prose..call it what you will, but it's basically me chatting shit about TOWIE, aka The Only Way is Essex, if the acronym has not been inserted into the very essence of your psyche yet.

As per usual I'm not starting at the beginning. This is Season Five, Episode 1, and a whole lot has changed for our perma-tanned friends.

Let's go!

This is Joey.

Look at him. Bathed in glorious light, like a modern-day Apollo with veneers. The last time we saw Joey he was larking around like a sparrow. I want to say like a lark, but larks aren't known for larking at all, they're actually pretty serious birds that do a good line in singing. where the hell did 'larking about' come from? This segue was because I cannot for the life of me remember his storyline, and I am loath to call him saying 'reem' a lot and wearing short shorts a storyline. Although he's got a new sidekick now, Diags, who is semi-unfortunate looking but plays his part of the ugly best mate with a good-natured humour.

This is Arg.

Look at him! He's had a makeover!Which according to The Daily Mail cost something like 60k. Good old TOWIE: stamping on the gender divide by making boys just as neurotic and looks obsessed as their female counterparts. The makeover is ostensibly to win Lydia back..maybe that's why he got veneers (to match her teeth) Although he is more chipmunk, and she is more horse. Too cruel? let's move on.
Debbie loves his makeover, though. Lovely Debbie - like an essexy white witch, she is.

We also are privy to the innermost workings of Cara, Billie, and Lucy's minds. Here they are:

If that picture is too small, let me clarify. Cara is a 70s vermont apres-ski barbie, Billie is the poor man's Janet Jackson, and lucy looks fine. I have to point out that I will get Cara and Billie mixed up a lot, partly because I can't be bothered to differentiate two people in whom I hold no interest. Much more interesting than their chit chat about some auction party, where apparently its ok to sell girls off like slaves, is that gremlin dog.

 

hehehehe. He looks like Yoda! Why would you breed a dog to be that twitchy, I don't know. You may as well just shave a guinea pig and be done with it. That dog internalizes all the world's fear and disappointment. I can see it in his eyes. At least Diags can claim he's fitter than one member of the cast.

Maybe. 

So Arg has been running, Jess is flirting with Ricky - do we care about that? No, no we don't care about that. And Gemma, who finally got her man as he launched through the club entrance last season wearing a sailor suit (and practically singing In The Navy), is now trying to bed him. continuing on with the maritime theme for these two, we get Charlie drawing her in a sheet, a la Kate Winslet in Titanic. Here she is: 

Gaww. I like Gemma, but she has such a thin layer of chutzpah that it takes only a light dusting to reveal the huge wedge of insecurity packed underneath. When she sees Charlie's (hilariously terrible) drawing, her one comment is that he is obviously hinting that she needs a boob job. What on earth?! I'd be more worried that my boyfriend's drawing look like something out of a prison psychiatrist's case file.

LOL'd hard at the lashes - maybe that was the hint, Gemma.

We end with another evening, another party. Cara (or Billies) boyfriend looks like a cute version of Waldo in his little glasses. Cara and Arg are talking about the marathon, Lydia comes over and rejects him with her bum out. Always the way to do it.

Next time on The only Way Is Essex...well, hopefully we get to see Arg's nipples bleed. Marathon time, people!

Kreayshawn says she is asexual, I just think she smokes too much weed

Kreayshawn

So, I love Kreayshawn. Yes ‘Gucci Gucci’ is hella annoying, but at least it introduced ‘basic bitches’ into the mainstream lexicon. She just seems fragile, like a baby bird you want to quietly stroke while it coos in a basket. But she just did something really stupid by telling xojane that she’s asexual.

http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/xojane-kreayshawn-interview-i-m-egg-mcmuffin-your-bitch-life

Nooo! She falls under the 1% of celebrities who are too open about their personal life. Don’t let someone quote you on that! It’s not like Tim Gunn, who to be honest, after 29 years of not having sex is probably pretty clear in his life decisions. Two years is not that bad, especially if you’re a massive pot-head. Listen to what she says about her drug habits.

“I’ve been smoking over an eighth, and that’s just on a normal smoking relax, and this is between two or three people. We had some hash oil last night, so that was crazy. I’ve sipped sirrup, which is like cough syrup, promethazine and codeine. And prescriptions, but I don’t play around. I’ve never done shrooms or coke or acid. I’m a little skinny girl. I’m scared.”

Awww. Kush seriously does kill the sex drive. How the hell Lil Wayne has about 13 children, I don’t know.

Courtney Stodden loves animals, or something

Well this is a non-bit of news about our favourite 45-year-old teenager Courtney Stodden. The child bride (of 'Green Mile' actor Doug Hutchinson - everyone calls him that because that was basically the only film he's ever been in in his 51 years) istalking about helping PETA. I'm so bored of PETA's faux-shock tactics. The only reason actresses pose for the charity is they want people to see them naked under the guise of 'a good cause.' This is Courtney's quote of why she wants to help out:

'We have two doggies and one kitty. Bizarre is my pink dog, and we have a little teacup yorkie her name’s Tuna and we have a havana brown cat, Chocolate Monkey,' she said.

Courtney Stodden with her non-rescue dogs

 'I will be discussing ways to help animals, what you guys can do. Ways to support PETA and ways to help save lives.'

'I’ve always loved animals. Animals are innocent creatures and they’re beautiful and they need help and we can help them. Growing up I was surrounded by a house of animals, kittens, dogs and my heart has been completed because animals are wonderful companions.'

That cat is for sure trying not to get glitter on his haunches

'I am [here] with a little girl kitty, she is from the LA Animal Services. There are about 7 to 8 million animals right now who need homes. So if your thinking about purchasing an animal and welcoming a beautiful angelic creature into your home, please get them from animal shelters.”

So to sum up, she can buy her animals from private owners and/or puppy mills, but you definitely shouldn't. And she can dye her dogs pink, because that's not weird at all. 

Brrr.

It almost makes me want to serve up a nice big plate of dog a la Korea. I can't wait for her reality show, though - I wonder what she takes (percocet or vicodin are my two guesses). There's no way she's not a pharmaceutical druggie; you'd have to be to get raunchy with that every night.

Baby's first Vogue Cover: Taylor Swift

The girl done good! Taylor Swift had her first Vogue cover and photoshoot, and the pictures are pretty beautiful. I think it was DListed who described Taylor as looking like: 'Chinese trailer trash', and as mean as that is (I would say racist but the writer at DListed is Asian so that makes it ok? No?), I seriously have not been able to get that description out of my head for about two years. Now, she's casting off her virginal, white-dress persona with the help of some serious styling.

Well, maybe this will do it. Taylor styled like Stevie Nicks/Talitha Getty/Eighties supermodel/Twiggy with floppy hats, long kaftans, freckles and some seriously blue eyes.

Taylor Swift Vogue shoot, looking very Cavalli-esque

Huge fringed poncho, sunglasses and super tight jeans - love this. She's a frickin rockstar, why doesn't she wear this all the time? She could easily be in a Roberto Cavalli advert.

Tay Swift Vogue shoot by Mario Testino. See the bald man?

Ok, the hat is slightly too big in the back, but more distracting is the bald man who APPEARS TWICE in the picture. It reminds me of Scubs when Turk is annoyed he appears twice in the brochure for a college he never went to so they could ramp up the diversity. Is Vogue trying to stop people calling it bald-ist? Or am I baldist and this is two different men?

Taylor Swift vogue shoot with fireplace

NICE  home decor. I want that fireplace.

Taylor wearing Rodarte. I knew there was a reason it was my fave.

Probably my favourite shot; I like the fringe, the long sweeping kaftan by the lovely Rodarte sisters, and the Eastern insouciance. If she'd been smoking hookah it would be the perfect picture.

The cover! Taylor Swift for Vogue Feb 2012

Last but not least: the cover. See what I mean about her eyes being blue? The fringe is a little over-straightened for my taste, but I see where they were going. Hopefully this shoot will inspire her to chuck away the virginal white dresses and take a step up the fashion ladder. I'm thankful she's not in cutouts/rippedjeans/bustiers, but there's only so many nude princess frocks a girl can wear.

Pretty Little Liars, S2 Ep 7

NB: I've changed the blog's name from levinoranna to lowbrowguilt. I wanted popculture whore but that name was taken by someone who hasn't updated their blog in six years. Blerg!

I fully intend to recap all of Pretty Little Liars, but for now I'm watchin season 2, episode 7.
So basically, Aria is with Ezra but Jason is vying for her attention in that floppy haired way of his. Spencer is still gazing around like an excitable fawn, and trying to wrestle hockey sticks out of her dads hands, Emily is living with Hannah while she studies and tries to get a scholarship that she lied and told her parents she had. Finally, Hannah is back with Caleb, learning about his shady past conning people at the DMV. Or something, I was too busy staring at him to fully take in the plotline.

Jason and Aria, Pretty Little Liars

One thing I like about Pretty Little Liars is how effectively it sends shiver up your spine. To be honest, I have no idea what's going on half the time, or why Aria is dismayed to find that Officer Garrett has a ceramic pot of Jenna (the blind one) in his house, but I still got goosebumps when Spencer got a text that says: 'DO NOT TRUST GARRETT' while she's sitting in the car with him.

It will end up annoying me that we never find out who A is. Or who killed Alison. I still maintain that Alison is still alive, like some wild Tupac conspiracy theorist. The suspects now stand at:
Emily's dad.
Spencer's dad, who is looking pretty shifty at this point. Who throws a potential murder weapon into a fire?
Jason.
That one with the funny nose who's going out with Spencer. wtf is his name?
One of the girls.
Jenna.

Celebrity Blind Vices: The Gay Edition

Syd the Kyd of Odd Future

So I wrote about Syd the Kyd this for hip-hop gossip site TaleTela. And oooh, she did not hold back. Alicia Keys, Missy Elliot and Queen Latifah? All lesbians, if we're to believe the only gay, female member of Odd Future, aka Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Em All.

I believe her direct quote was:
"There's Alicia Keys, who's married to Swizz Beatz - we know that s--- ain't real. You got Queen Latifah kissing Common in movies. Missy Elliott saying she don't wanna hang with bitches. You know she loves her some bitches."

'You know she loves her some bitches'. Hahahahaha. Ok, let's break this down. Queen Latifah is gay, and openly enough for it to be a pretty poorly kept secret. Here she is on a yacht with her ex-girlfriend Jeanette Jenkins (who she previously said was her 'personal trainer' - come on now, you aint getting any skinnier)

Queen Latifah being gay

Missy Elliot has always raised eyebrows, but at first I though it was idle gossip about a lady that was pretty much a boss man. LOVE her. But then 'The Road to Stardom' came on and there she was giving private advice to the show's eventual winner, Jessica Betts, who was openly lesbian.

And then we have Alicia Keys, who is married to producer Swiss Beatz and has a child with him. Really?! 

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz

  Yeah, I don't think so. Quick callout to all the closeted gays in hip hop: COME OUT. We love your music, not your sexual preferences. 

Celebrity Blind Vices, take 2.

If you'll take a look back at my earlier musings on celebrities' dirty little secrets, you'll see that I clearly made a huge error in thinking one couple in celeb-land are happy. According to various sources, Johnny Depp has been playing away/or just flirting, but in either case rumour has it that him and Vanessa Paradis are near Splitsville (probably one of my least favourite noughties phrases EVER, by the way. I'm ashamed of myself). Take a look:

Don't think that's him? One more then:

 

Ok, that still looks like a crappy impersonator, but it honestly is him with his publicist, aka Robin Baum. Yes they could be kissing on the cheek, but I wouldn't get that friendly with someone I hired. It'll be a shame if they split; I think it's quite nice they've been together for 14yrs and not got married - hooray for unconventional relationships! But clearly, the celebrity machine has chewed up and spat out another couple. 

On the plus side, guess who might be single soon?