The Only Way is Essex

The Only Way as Essex

As Amy got to work on the bedazzlement of Sam’s vagina, my mother flew from kitchen to front door, only stopping in front of the television to thoughtfully remark, “you watch some real shit.” For once, I couldn’t help but agree. The Only Way Is Essex is a programme in curious limbo. Neither sitcom, nor drama, nor reality, the annoying narrator introduces it thusly:

“The boobs might be fake, but the drama is real,” and then in the same breath,

“ Although some of the scenes have been purely set up for your entertainment.”

Well then, it isn’t real drama, is it? Its constructed drama from a team (so the whisperings go) of scriptwriters and storyboards! You lemon. So, instead of referring to the people as having certain characteristic traits, I will remark on the failure or success of the team of writers in creating these characteristic traits. Because everyone loves a cynic, right? And I fear that if I evaluate the programme in the light in which it’s presented I will be failing both as a critic, and a rational human being.

You can see how they’ve adapted the group into relatable stereotypes. The executive producer of Friends, Martha Kauffman, spoke of the criticism by powers-that-be over her ageist casting, saying, “studios wanted an older, wisecracking character, to widen the viewer demographic.” And ergo! Nanny Pat is created, with her never-ending supply of brown food. Cakes, pastries, sausage plaits…I doubt the woman can even cook. She’s probably not even their grandmother. Next up is the quota filling Jack. If only he had been brown as well as gay, the producers could’ve ticked off another PC box. Speaking of which, where are all the black people on the show? It’s like execs think that if there’s enough orange people, that’s practically another race. Fake tan is not an ethnicity, people. Because I don’t feel like there’s enough content to warrant four recaps of a show (let alone four shows) I’m smooshing them all into one post. So let’s get down to business. The storylines can be divided thusly:

Relationships:

Lauren and Mark – perhaps the Justin and Audrina of TOWIE. Nine years – nine years, people! Ups, downs, and, according to Mark, only 6 months of actual relationship. That’s a lot of make-up sex. You get the feeling that Mark thinks he is too good for Lauren, and physically I suppose he is. However, his good qualities are over ridden by arrogance and terrible taste in watches. Also, he called Lauren fat in the second episode, which was harsh.

Mark and Lucy – Mark was attracted to Lucy by her non-committal air in Marbella; presumably, that means she only gave him a blowjob when they met instead of full sex. She seems nice enough, and in Lauren’s (or the writers’) words, “sweet and orange.”

Mark and Amy – I just have a feeling about this one. The regaling of mutual relationship woes in the curry house. The dubious, groaning massage which ended with Amy’s hilarious comment, “this isn’t a brothel, Mark.” Ahh, Amy, but if the story-boarders have their way, it soon will be.

Amy and Kirk – he took her to the zoo, she wasn’t that kind of girl, etc. etc. I love the segments where Kirk goes to a trainer because the guy is so ridiculous and Essex-y, “she got big tits? Yeh? Yeh?” whilst Kirk is on the floor of some grotty gym struggling to breathe. Yes, scary trainer! She does have big tits!

Kirk and Lauren – a dj who he interviews on the premise of ‘employment’ at his eponymous club. Even Amy could see straight through that one. Despite getting a tattoo of Amy on his leg, he seems quite willing to abandon that relationship quite quickly over someone who I presume is meant to be famous? I’ve never heard of her.

Arg and Lydia – awwww. There’s nothing bad to say about this couple: they’re really cute. So she wears a bit too much bronzer but that’s par for the course I suppose. I hope they stay together and have bambinos.

Idiosyncrasies

I should explain this: characters who exist purely for comedic value and to utter some kind of catchphrase at least once in the episode

Jack – the splits, saying “shut up.” Memo to creators of TOWIE: THIS IS NOT A CATCHPHRASE YOU CAN MAKE HAPPEN. For it to be a catchphrase it has to be semi-new: see Jersey Shore’s ‘Gym tan laundry’, Janice’s intonation of, “Oh. My. God.” Millions of people say shut up in this way every day. It’s not going to work. One day I hope Jack will move up to the relationship column, preferably without the help of a nose job.

Amy – general geographic and political ignorance (although, we’ve all been there) Her clothing too, I guess. It does look like she’s going on Strictly Come Dancing whenever she goes out.

Nanny Pat – providing carbohydrates, supposedly giving sage advice

Friendships

Sam and Amy. Very cute friendship, and eye catching to watch if you can’t bear to listen to the accents. Just mute it and look! Amy and Sam wearing bikinis getting eaten by tiny fish! Amy and Sam with matching 60’s outfits! Amy and Sam with crystalled vaginas! And so on. Conversationally it’s less enthralling, although there was a sparked political debate whereby Sam proved to be quite the current affairs buff. Oh actually, what am I saying? A conversation on the merits of glamour modelling was also interesting, in which a third friend remarked, “Getting on page 3, it’s like playing for Chelsea.” I’m sure people scoffed at this bit, but its not too off base. Essien probably spends twenty hours a week improving on his natural footballing talent, and I’m sure the girls spend twice that amount of time improving on their natural prettiness. Basically the same, I think.

Arg and Mark – this relationship basically seems to be based around Mark bullying Arg, and Arg taking it on the chin, thereby endearing himself to every female that watches the show. There was a touching moment outside a club when Arg had a sniffle about Lydia and Mark was really sweet about it. He did try and make Arg dress up as a bride for his Halloween club night, though – maybe its Freudian and Arg is the woman that he can never have?

Careers

Mark: trying to make the next Sugar Hut, slightly thwarted by a first-night fire. I wish the writers had implanted a ‘Did Kirk commit arson’ storyline in the style of Hollyoaks or similar, but implicating him may be a criminal offence, I don’t know. I enjoyed Mark’s description of his club’s décor as “classy. Purple, silver…mirrors.” Ahh Mark, that’s classy according to Changing Rooms.

Lola: a girl group made up of Mark’s sister, who I really wish I could remember the name of because she does seem quite sensible, her blonde friend, and two others. I am betting that at some point Julian, who is attempting to cement his place as the camp bitchy one (not going to happen, telling you now) will try and kick the other two out on grounds that they ‘don’t quite fit with our image’, e.g. they are not as camera-friendly.

Arg: another singing career – why don’t any of these people want to be doctors? I guess that can be answered in the last word of the program title. On finding out his ambition I suddenly understood what the bucket load of hair gel was about. Rat pack cover singer = slicked back hair. Got it. He has a good voice, so maybe he’ll graduate beyond Indian restaurants and poorly attended parties.

And so, that’s that. Tune in for next week and I may give you a full recap, depending on the prevalence of shit storylines such as Nanny Pat’s cooking or Lola’s ascent to stardom.