5 desert island beauty essentials

So, the idea of beauty 'essentials' if you were stranded on a desert island is perhaps a little absurd, but it's January, I'm a bit nippy, and just thinking about beaches is helping me out. 

Say you have water, ok? There's a freshwater pocket in the ocean, don't ask me how these things work, but you have water. And coconuts. And maybe a bushel of pigs. And there's a man there if you're straight, or a woman if you're bendy, so you would want to put makeup on to lure them in. And they'd be fit. All right. I feel like that is a lot of 'ifs', but it is an excuse to list undoubtably the best makeup products of 2011. !Vamos a la playa!

Number 5

Dove damage therapy conditioner intensive repair

Thinking rationally, my friend Lucy helpfully pointed out that a deserted beachy island would probably be quite a coup in providing some natural beauty alternatives. Free beauty products! You can tell why she owns a blog called thriftylodge. Sand is a beautiful exfoliant, salt water and sun clear up your skin (so no concealer), and never again would you have to purchase anything from Tigi with the words 'surf' or 'spray' in the title. However, I'm imagining the elements might be quite rough on the tresses. That's where Dove's damage therapy conditioner comes in. It's cheap (750ml for £1.19), and it really does the job if you have dry, split hair that has been damaged by the sun. As some detractors have pointed out, it does coat your hair with silicon, but to be honest you can always just use a clarifying shampoo if you feel like you're getting build-up. But who doesn't like silky, plasticky build-up?! I don't understand the world. Moving on, at number 4 we have...

Number 4

Shiseido eyelash curlers

Where would I be without lash curlers? I'd be up shit creek, and I actually am up shit creek because I lost mine at a friend's house, and am too cheap to get some more. But if you are new to the lash curling world, you may as well leap in with a bang (mixing metaphors), and go for Japanese brand Shiseido's offering. They are quite expensive - about £16 in London - but if you buy a terrible pair you'll only rip off about eight lashes, get really frustrated and throw them in the bin. Shiseido have been around since 1872, and have managed to develop a pair that look like any other, but don't pinch, get the littlest lashes, and actually produce a curl that makes a noticeable difference.


Number 3

Lancome hypnose mascara

You may as well not bother curling your lashes if you're not going to put mascara on, is my motto. Having said that, I do have quite small eyes so I think the bambi thing is always in the back of my mind when it comes to eye make-up. Bigger is better! If you're looking for natural looking mascara then this is not the product for you. However, I think TOWIE, Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives have reinterpreted natural makeup to the point where I don't consider false lashes for daytime that outlandish.

Lancome's Hypnose mascara comes in a nice curvy tube (I always appreciate an ergonomic design), has the option of curvy or non-curvy brush, and lengthens lashes like a motherbitch. It also adheres to lashes like a motherbitch, so invest in makeup remover a little stronger than a wetwipe to get this baby off.

Number 2

L'Oreal Sublime self-tanning gel

Can I try and defend putting fake tan on a desert island beauty essentials list? I for one, am vehemently British, and would get so sick of all that sun. Also, you don't want that harsh light beating down on your face all day - it's a recipe for leather face. Rachel Zoe talked about how she never wears sunscreen in her (amazing) book A:Zoe, but she just had a facelift! Hot climate = wrinkles and sun spots. And skin cancer. honestly, it's a wonder they don't bring back the parasol. L'Oreal's Sublime Bronze self-tanner is about 9 quid, which is half the price of San Tropez, and I honestly think it gives a better result. Exfoliate in the shower, dry thoroughly, and put vaseline (or any moisturizer) on your kneecaps, back of knees, elbows - any crevasse, nook, or cranny. Then squeeze some gel onto a mitt, and rub the mitt over your body. I've never tried this stuff on my face, but my friends say it's fine to use if you don't want to shell out on face self-tanner as well. I just trowel on the bronzer to even myself out, but whatever floats your boat, you know. Also get the gel, because every time I use the spray, I discover a beautifully-tanned bit of bathroom wall about two weeks later.

Number One

Le Vernis nail polish, Chanel. (Chanello!)

Coming in at number one, is the old, the favourite...nail polish! Nail polish was the first beauty product that I ever used, and though I have neglected it over the years doing the unkempt, androgynous thing, I know I will always come back to my old faithful. Toes are notoriously disgusting; we all know this, and really the only way round them is to dab on a bit of colour. Kind of like painting a pig. I don't really have a preference for brand: Chanel vernis polishes are good, but expensive. Revlon, No. 7, Maybelline: all good, Sally Hansen and OPI are good too. The only brand I hate, HATE, is ModelCo. Seriously, never buy anything from there, because I have a putrid blusher and a terrible grey nail polish, that I thought would be directional but is just the colour of bellybutton fluff. Aside from them, go for a jazzy colour, test it first, and then just splash it on. The best thing about toes is no-one is ever that close to them (unless you're dating a foot fetishist, and if you are then you probably won't need any advice from me about how to keep your feet spick and span). So you can pretty much apply it blind, and it'll look good.  

There you have it... 5 essential beauty products when you're stranded on a desert island with a man or woman you want to make babies with. (And you already have water and a bushel of pigs)