TOWIE episode summary: Season Five, Episode 1

This is the beginning of my recaps, summaries, episode guides, poetics prose..call it what you will, but it's basically me chatting shit about TOWIE, aka The Only Way is Essex, if the acronym has not been inserted into the very essence of your psyche yet.

As per usual I'm not starting at the beginning. This is Season Five, Episode 1, and a whole lot has changed for our perma-tanned friends.

Let's go!

This is Joey.

Look at him. Bathed in glorious light, like a modern-day Apollo with veneers. The last time we saw Joey he was larking around like a sparrow. I want to say like a lark, but larks aren't known for larking at all, they're actually pretty serious birds that do a good line in singing. where the hell did 'larking about' come from? This segue was because I cannot for the life of me remember his storyline, and I am loath to call him saying 'reem' a lot and wearing short shorts a storyline. Although he's got a new sidekick now, Diags, who is semi-unfortunate looking but plays his part of the ugly best mate with a good-natured humour.

This is Arg.

Look at him! He's had a makeover!Which according to The Daily Mail cost something like 60k. Good old TOWIE: stamping on the gender divide by making boys just as neurotic and looks obsessed as their female counterparts. The makeover is ostensibly to win Lydia back..maybe that's why he got veneers (to match her teeth) Although he is more chipmunk, and she is more horse. Too cruel? let's move on.
Debbie loves his makeover, though. Lovely Debbie - like an essexy white witch, she is.

We also are privy to the innermost workings of Cara, Billie, and Lucy's minds. Here they are:

If that picture is too small, let me clarify. Cara is a 70s vermont apres-ski barbie, Billie is the poor man's Janet Jackson, and lucy looks fine. I have to point out that I will get Cara and Billie mixed up a lot, partly because I can't be bothered to differentiate two people in whom I hold no interest. Much more interesting than their chit chat about some auction party, where apparently its ok to sell girls off like slaves, is that gremlin dog.

 

hehehehe. He looks like Yoda! Why would you breed a dog to be that twitchy, I don't know. You may as well just shave a guinea pig and be done with it. That dog internalizes all the world's fear and disappointment. I can see it in his eyes. At least Diags can claim he's fitter than one member of the cast.

Maybe. 

So Arg has been running, Jess is flirting with Ricky - do we care about that? No, no we don't care about that. And Gemma, who finally got her man as he launched through the club entrance last season wearing a sailor suit (and practically singing In The Navy), is now trying to bed him. continuing on with the maritime theme for these two, we get Charlie drawing her in a sheet, a la Kate Winslet in Titanic. Here she is: 

Gaww. I like Gemma, but she has such a thin layer of chutzpah that it takes only a light dusting to reveal the huge wedge of insecurity packed underneath. When she sees Charlie's (hilariously terrible) drawing, her one comment is that he is obviously hinting that she needs a boob job. What on earth?! I'd be more worried that my boyfriend's drawing look like something out of a prison psychiatrist's case file.

LOL'd hard at the lashes - maybe that was the hint, Gemma.

We end with another evening, another party. Cara (or Billies) boyfriend looks like a cute version of Waldo in his little glasses. Cara and Arg are talking about the marathon, Lydia comes over and rejects him with her bum out. Always the way to do it.

Next time on The only Way Is Essex...well, hopefully we get to see Arg's nipples bleed. Marathon time, people!

Kreayshawn says she is asexual, I just think she smokes too much weed

Kreayshawn

So, I love Kreayshawn. Yes ‘Gucci Gucci’ is hella annoying, but at least it introduced ‘basic bitches’ into the mainstream lexicon. She just seems fragile, like a baby bird you want to quietly stroke while it coos in a basket. But she just did something really stupid by telling xojane that she’s asexual.

http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/xojane-kreayshawn-interview-i-m-egg-mcmuffin-your-bitch-life

Nooo! She falls under the 1% of celebrities who are too open about their personal life. Don’t let someone quote you on that! It’s not like Tim Gunn, who to be honest, after 29 years of not having sex is probably pretty clear in his life decisions. Two years is not that bad, especially if you’re a massive pot-head. Listen to what she says about her drug habits.

“I’ve been smoking over an eighth, and that’s just on a normal smoking relax, and this is between two or three people. We had some hash oil last night, so that was crazy. I’ve sipped sirrup, which is like cough syrup, promethazine and codeine. And prescriptions, but I don’t play around. I’ve never done shrooms or coke or acid. I’m a little skinny girl. I’m scared.”

Awww. Kush seriously does kill the sex drive. How the hell Lil Wayne has about 13 children, I don’t know.

Courtney Stodden loves animals, or something

Well this is a non-bit of news about our favourite 45-year-old teenager Courtney Stodden. The child bride (of 'Green Mile' actor Doug Hutchinson - everyone calls him that because that was basically the only film he's ever been in in his 51 years) istalking about helping PETA. I'm so bored of PETA's faux-shock tactics. The only reason actresses pose for the charity is they want people to see them naked under the guise of 'a good cause.' This is Courtney's quote of why she wants to help out:

'We have two doggies and one kitty. Bizarre is my pink dog, and we have a little teacup yorkie her name’s Tuna and we have a havana brown cat, Chocolate Monkey,' she said.

Courtney Stodden with her non-rescue dogs

 'I will be discussing ways to help animals, what you guys can do. Ways to support PETA and ways to help save lives.'

'I’ve always loved animals. Animals are innocent creatures and they’re beautiful and they need help and we can help them. Growing up I was surrounded by a house of animals, kittens, dogs and my heart has been completed because animals are wonderful companions.'

That cat is for sure trying not to get glitter on his haunches

'I am [here] with a little girl kitty, she is from the LA Animal Services. There are about 7 to 8 million animals right now who need homes. So if your thinking about purchasing an animal and welcoming a beautiful angelic creature into your home, please get them from animal shelters.”

So to sum up, she can buy her animals from private owners and/or puppy mills, but you definitely shouldn't. And she can dye her dogs pink, because that's not weird at all. 

Brrr.

It almost makes me want to serve up a nice big plate of dog a la Korea. I can't wait for her reality show, though - I wonder what she takes (percocet or vicodin are my two guesses). There's no way she's not a pharmaceutical druggie; you'd have to be to get raunchy with that every night.

Baby's first Vogue Cover: Taylor Swift

The girl done good! Taylor Swift had her first Vogue cover and photoshoot, and the pictures are pretty beautiful. I think it was DListed who described Taylor as looking like: 'Chinese trailer trash', and as mean as that is (I would say racist but the writer at DListed is Asian so that makes it ok? No?), I seriously have not been able to get that description out of my head for about two years. Now, she's casting off her virginal, white-dress persona with the help of some serious styling.

Well, maybe this will do it. Taylor styled like Stevie Nicks/Talitha Getty/Eighties supermodel/Twiggy with floppy hats, long kaftans, freckles and some seriously blue eyes.

Taylor Swift Vogue shoot, looking very Cavalli-esque

Huge fringed poncho, sunglasses and super tight jeans - love this. She's a frickin rockstar, why doesn't she wear this all the time? She could easily be in a Roberto Cavalli advert.

Tay Swift Vogue shoot by Mario Testino. See the bald man?

Ok, the hat is slightly too big in the back, but more distracting is the bald man who APPEARS TWICE in the picture. It reminds me of Scubs when Turk is annoyed he appears twice in the brochure for a college he never went to so they could ramp up the diversity. Is Vogue trying to stop people calling it bald-ist? Or am I baldist and this is two different men?

Taylor Swift vogue shoot with fireplace

NICE  home decor. I want that fireplace.

Taylor wearing Rodarte. I knew there was a reason it was my fave.

Probably my favourite shot; I like the fringe, the long sweeping kaftan by the lovely Rodarte sisters, and the Eastern insouciance. If she'd been smoking hookah it would be the perfect picture.

The cover! Taylor Swift for Vogue Feb 2012

Last but not least: the cover. See what I mean about her eyes being blue? The fringe is a little over-straightened for my taste, but I see where they were going. Hopefully this shoot will inspire her to chuck away the virginal white dresses and take a step up the fashion ladder. I'm thankful she's not in cutouts/rippedjeans/bustiers, but there's only so many nude princess frocks a girl can wear.

Pretty Little Liars, S2 Ep 7

NB: I've changed the blog's name from levinoranna to lowbrowguilt. I wanted popculture whore but that name was taken by someone who hasn't updated their blog in six years. Blerg!

I fully intend to recap all of Pretty Little Liars, but for now I'm watchin season 2, episode 7.
So basically, Aria is with Ezra but Jason is vying for her attention in that floppy haired way of his. Spencer is still gazing around like an excitable fawn, and trying to wrestle hockey sticks out of her dads hands, Emily is living with Hannah while she studies and tries to get a scholarship that she lied and told her parents she had. Finally, Hannah is back with Caleb, learning about his shady past conning people at the DMV. Or something, I was too busy staring at him to fully take in the plotline.

Jason and Aria, Pretty Little Liars

One thing I like about Pretty Little Liars is how effectively it sends shiver up your spine. To be honest, I have no idea what's going on half the time, or why Aria is dismayed to find that Officer Garrett has a ceramic pot of Jenna (the blind one) in his house, but I still got goosebumps when Spencer got a text that says: 'DO NOT TRUST GARRETT' while she's sitting in the car with him.

It will end up annoying me that we never find out who A is. Or who killed Alison. I still maintain that Alison is still alive, like some wild Tupac conspiracy theorist. The suspects now stand at:
Emily's dad.
Spencer's dad, who is looking pretty shifty at this point. Who throws a potential murder weapon into a fire?
Jason.
That one with the funny nose who's going out with Spencer. wtf is his name?
One of the girls.
Jenna.

Celebrity Blind Vices: The Gay Edition

Syd the Kyd of Odd Future

So I wrote about Syd the Kyd this for hip-hop gossip site TaleTela. And oooh, she did not hold back. Alicia Keys, Missy Elliot and Queen Latifah? All lesbians, if we're to believe the only gay, female member of Odd Future, aka Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Em All.

I believe her direct quote was:
"There's Alicia Keys, who's married to Swizz Beatz - we know that s--- ain't real. You got Queen Latifah kissing Common in movies. Missy Elliott saying she don't wanna hang with bitches. You know she loves her some bitches."

'You know she loves her some bitches'. Hahahahaha. Ok, let's break this down. Queen Latifah is gay, and openly enough for it to be a pretty poorly kept secret. Here she is on a yacht with her ex-girlfriend Jeanette Jenkins (who she previously said was her 'personal trainer' - come on now, you aint getting any skinnier)

Queen Latifah being gay

Missy Elliot has always raised eyebrows, but at first I though it was idle gossip about a lady that was pretty much a boss man. LOVE her. But then 'The Road to Stardom' came on and there she was giving private advice to the show's eventual winner, Jessica Betts, who was openly lesbian.

And then we have Alicia Keys, who is married to producer Swiss Beatz and has a child with him. Really?! 

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz

  Yeah, I don't think so. Quick callout to all the closeted gays in hip hop: COME OUT. We love your music, not your sexual preferences. 

Celebrity Blind Vices, take 2.

If you'll take a look back at my earlier musings on celebrities' dirty little secrets, you'll see that I clearly made a huge error in thinking one couple in celeb-land are happy. According to various sources, Johnny Depp has been playing away/or just flirting, but in either case rumour has it that him and Vanessa Paradis are near Splitsville (probably one of my least favourite noughties phrases EVER, by the way. I'm ashamed of myself). Take a look:

Don't think that's him? One more then:

 

Ok, that still looks like a crappy impersonator, but it honestly is him with his publicist, aka Robin Baum. Yes they could be kissing on the cheek, but I wouldn't get that friendly with someone I hired. It'll be a shame if they split; I think it's quite nice they've been together for 14yrs and not got married - hooray for unconventional relationships! But clearly, the celebrity machine has chewed up and spat out another couple. 

On the plus side, guess who might be single soon? 

5 desert island beauty essentials

So, the idea of beauty 'essentials' if you were stranded on a desert island is perhaps a little absurd, but it's January, I'm a bit nippy, and just thinking about beaches is helping me out. 

Say you have water, ok? There's a freshwater pocket in the ocean, don't ask me how these things work, but you have water. And coconuts. And maybe a bushel of pigs. And there's a man there if you're straight, or a woman if you're bendy, so you would want to put makeup on to lure them in. And they'd be fit. All right. I feel like that is a lot of 'ifs', but it is an excuse to list undoubtably the best makeup products of 2011. !Vamos a la playa!

Number 5

Dove damage therapy conditioner intensive repair

Thinking rationally, my friend Lucy helpfully pointed out that a deserted beachy island would probably be quite a coup in providing some natural beauty alternatives. Free beauty products! You can tell why she owns a blog called thriftylodge. Sand is a beautiful exfoliant, salt water and sun clear up your skin (so no concealer), and never again would you have to purchase anything from Tigi with the words 'surf' or 'spray' in the title. However, I'm imagining the elements might be quite rough on the tresses. That's where Dove's damage therapy conditioner comes in. It's cheap (750ml for £1.19), and it really does the job if you have dry, split hair that has been damaged by the sun. As some detractors have pointed out, it does coat your hair with silicon, but to be honest you can always just use a clarifying shampoo if you feel like you're getting build-up. But who doesn't like silky, plasticky build-up?! I don't understand the world. Moving on, at number 4 we have...

Number 4

Shiseido eyelash curlers

Where would I be without lash curlers? I'd be up shit creek, and I actually am up shit creek because I lost mine at a friend's house, and am too cheap to get some more. But if you are new to the lash curling world, you may as well leap in with a bang (mixing metaphors), and go for Japanese brand Shiseido's offering. They are quite expensive - about £16 in London - but if you buy a terrible pair you'll only rip off about eight lashes, get really frustrated and throw them in the bin. Shiseido have been around since 1872, and have managed to develop a pair that look like any other, but don't pinch, get the littlest lashes, and actually produce a curl that makes a noticeable difference.


Number 3

Lancome hypnose mascara

You may as well not bother curling your lashes if you're not going to put mascara on, is my motto. Having said that, I do have quite small eyes so I think the bambi thing is always in the back of my mind when it comes to eye make-up. Bigger is better! If you're looking for natural looking mascara then this is not the product for you. However, I think TOWIE, Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives have reinterpreted natural makeup to the point where I don't consider false lashes for daytime that outlandish.

Lancome's Hypnose mascara comes in a nice curvy tube (I always appreciate an ergonomic design), has the option of curvy or non-curvy brush, and lengthens lashes like a motherbitch. It also adheres to lashes like a motherbitch, so invest in makeup remover a little stronger than a wetwipe to get this baby off.

Number 2

L'Oreal Sublime self-tanning gel

Can I try and defend putting fake tan on a desert island beauty essentials list? I for one, am vehemently British, and would get so sick of all that sun. Also, you don't want that harsh light beating down on your face all day - it's a recipe for leather face. Rachel Zoe talked about how she never wears sunscreen in her (amazing) book A:Zoe, but she just had a facelift! Hot climate = wrinkles and sun spots. And skin cancer. honestly, it's a wonder they don't bring back the parasol. L'Oreal's Sublime Bronze self-tanner is about 9 quid, which is half the price of San Tropez, and I honestly think it gives a better result. Exfoliate in the shower, dry thoroughly, and put vaseline (or any moisturizer) on your kneecaps, back of knees, elbows - any crevasse, nook, or cranny. Then squeeze some gel onto a mitt, and rub the mitt over your body. I've never tried this stuff on my face, but my friends say it's fine to use if you don't want to shell out on face self-tanner as well. I just trowel on the bronzer to even myself out, but whatever floats your boat, you know. Also get the gel, because every time I use the spray, I discover a beautifully-tanned bit of bathroom wall about two weeks later.

Number One

Le Vernis nail polish, Chanel. (Chanello!)

Coming in at number one, is the old, the favourite...nail polish! Nail polish was the first beauty product that I ever used, and though I have neglected it over the years doing the unkempt, androgynous thing, I know I will always come back to my old faithful. Toes are notoriously disgusting; we all know this, and really the only way round them is to dab on a bit of colour. Kind of like painting a pig. I don't really have a preference for brand: Chanel vernis polishes are good, but expensive. Revlon, No. 7, Maybelline: all good, Sally Hansen and OPI are good too. The only brand I hate, HATE, is ModelCo. Seriously, never buy anything from there, because I have a putrid blusher and a terrible grey nail polish, that I thought would be directional but is just the colour of bellybutton fluff. Aside from them, go for a jazzy colour, test it first, and then just splash it on. The best thing about toes is no-one is ever that close to them (unless you're dating a foot fetishist, and if you are then you probably won't need any advice from me about how to keep your feet spick and span). So you can pretty much apply it blind, and it'll look good.  

There you have it... 5 essential beauty products when you're stranded on a desert island with a man or woman you want to make babies with. (And you already have water and a bushel of pigs)

Scottish Farmer Fashion

I'm not sure why we're all meant to be dressing like we're heading for a wild moor to birth some lambs, but there it is. Fall (if you're American) has arrived, and the style consensus?


Argyle. Knit. Cable. Scratchy wool jumpers, with batwing sleeves, big holes, and so much static you could potentially give yourself a nasty electric shock.

He definitely isn't happy about this situation.

Now this works if you can pull it off the ironic, Marc Jacobs way: with 8ft long legs, an oversized knit sweater with a short skirt comes across as cheeky, rather than mad. On a lot of women, however, the chunkiness of knit doesn't translate well when draped heavily across the torso. put bluntly, it makes you look very wide.

Good idea in theory, but hard to pull off

The solution? I'm bringing out all my old blazers from seasons past, along with parkas, bobble hats and huge scarves. I'm loving the fur lined parka from River Island:

But at £90, I'll be needing to save for a bit. Cruising around Oxford Street in Topshop for a full hour at the weekend, I can definitively state that the only jumpers have bat wings, some sort of itchy wool, or are the regulation plain hoodies that, while cheap, don't really cut it for anywhere outside the park. Where should I be looking for jumpers that have style without the scratch?

Why Pretty Little Liars is the best thing on TV

There’s something about female-led mystery dramas that America just does really, really well. Nancy Drew, Miss Marple, Veronica Mars, and now, Pretty Little Liars. Maybe the girls aren’t quite accomplished at sleuthing as Nancy Drew, nor have such a grip on phone tapping as does Veronica Mars, but the four girls manage to convince, shock and intrigue in their efforts to find out the identity of their dead friend ‘A’, who is threatening them from beyond the grave.

At first watch, this was run-of-the-mill, Desperate Housewives for pre-teens. Yes, there are negatives; the girls are all white, thin and incredibly glossy of hair (seriously, they’re like seals), but the writing, music, and plotlines, together, manage to elevate it beyond a typical teen drama.

Separately, (confusing, but bear with me) there is not much there. The plotlines attempt to push the four girls out of the mainstream: Aria is dating her teacher, Emily is gay, but using homosexuality and student/teacher affairs feels played out. To contradict myself yet again, I will say that the plotlines are not played for salaciousness as they well could be; Aria shares a more chaste relationship with a 23-year-old man than half her classmates do with their 16-year-old boyfriends, and Emily’s lesbianism is not titillating or played for a male gaze.

Another high (if shallow) point of the series is the fashion. Good god, the fashion. The Fug Girls (gofugyourself.com) have raved about it, and there are several trends in the show that seemed to have swept along. The feather earring, which Aria wore, was the beginning of a trend which is probably peaking right about now (Kesha adopting the feather headdress probably didn’t help either)

The girls all have individual styles and their style pretty much stays the same throughout the series (with the exception of clothes getting slightly upgraded as more people started watching and fashion probs caught on and started giving better samples)

Emily is a swimmer, an athelete, and prefers luxurious sports-wear – think silk jerseys, off the shoulder tees and track pants that look very soft. Hannah is the epitome of girly – little dresses, heels, made-up. Lucy is also girly but a little more daring – thigh high socks, plaid skirts and knitted caps. Spencer’s style is probably the most interesting, as she is so gorgeously preppy: think buttoned up shirts, berets, tailored kilts. All four of the shiniest hair I‘ve ever seen, I had to state that again as it is slightly mesmerizing, if not very realistic.

Yet, rather than concentrate on fashion – the girls barely allude to clothing or makeup – or boys, the show centres around four high school students attempting to find the identity of ‘A’, a cruel mimic of their dead friend Alison who is attempting to ruin their lives. I think the biggest reason for Pretty little Liar’s appeal is its recognition that teenage girls, teenagers, people, everyone! – wants to feel significant. You want to be the one with the secret, you want to be the one with more important things on your mind than school. And if it involves opening gift boxes full of broken mirror chards, or getting run over after discovering a secret that you shouldn’t? So be it.

Ten tips for a future career in journalism

How to survive and succeed in the world of journalism? Here's four tips for ya. There'll be more forthcoming just as soon as I get one of those ergonomic chairs (see 1))

1) Take up Pilates

A tip that I have not taken up (the money! It’s hard to think about finding your core when you can’t pay a measly council tax bill) Ok, so if you don’t do this, at least get a good office chair. Can’t afford that either? Steal a co-worker’s when they’re on holiday, and pretend not to notice when they wonder why their chair is so squeaky. Get up a lot. Go and get water. Do the coffee round. Offer to run everyone’s errands.

Back pain is a bitch, man. 10 hours plus hunched furtively over a computer screen does wonders for your posture if your aesthetic ideal is that old paedophile in Family Guy. From taking up smoking, I have reduced the sting in between my shoulder blades to a persistent ache. Granted, I’ve probably taken 15 years off of my life, or guaranteed a fun throat box-thingumajig, but tomayto/tomahto, right?

2) Schmooze like a mofo

Well hello, random beardy man from News of the World! So good to meet you! Yes I will take that proffered glass of warm, opaque champagne! No, I didn’t water that plant with it for fear that you had slipped a roofie in it! No, it hasn’t horribly missed the potted plant and is now dribbling all over the floor onto an irascible photog’s cable!

You get the drift. Be nice to everyone, with a couple of exceptions. Scottish workies who are severely regretting paying for a Travel-lodge for a miserable week of steaming clothes can probably soak up your misplaced anger. They’ll go back up to Scotland, and everyone knows there is no culture there.

3) Learn the lingo

Go to press. Running copy. Contacts and collects. B2B. Hack. Learn all these terms, and drop them in at random throughout your career. If you still don’t really understand the difference between ATL and BTL advertising, try not to worry too much, because no-one else does either.

4) Cop an attitude

In journo world, every PR is a pain, every real-life is difficult, and all rival magazines are idiots. Every phone conversation should follow with a long sigh, a cried expletive, or putting the offender on speaker so the whole room can hear their ignorance. You should be casually blasé about famous-people interviews, and always make disparaging remarks about them not looking quite so luminescent in real life. For any celeb couples, he is always gay, and she is always a bulimic beard.

Perez Hilton is an idiot

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Tier 1, or why immigration is so fucked

I love how the UK has managed to slip this one under the radar by bringing out the news in the middle of nationwide riots in England.

Tier 1 is a new law that is named all fancy so we're distracted by its Star Trek implications. It has been implemented to allow 'exceptional talent' to hold UK residency.

For the first year of operation there is a limit of 1,000 places. Between the 9 August and 30 November there will be 500 places available and a further 500 places available from the 1 December to 31 March 2012. This limit will be reviewed at the end of March 2012.

But what is exceptional talent? You can be considered if you have won an Academy Award, a BAFTA, a Golden Globe or an Emmy Award or have been nominated in the five years before applying.

This means that a refugee fleeing from a war-torn country may (will) find it impossibly hard to get on the road to citizenship, but James Franco can shimmy up in here. James fucking Franco.

Immigration is fucked.

Time slips

They're an interesting thing, time slips. While I don't think of myself as Christian, or attuned to any particular religion - obviously due to an atheist upbringing and a healthy sense of snark - if I had to choose some line of religious upbringing, I would choose paganism. Nature has always seemed to inspire the most adoring and suspicious of reactions. You've got views that make you cry, you've got wind blowing unexpectedly on a flat plain with no clouds. I just think something is up with nature.

Time slips are basically when people experience a place, but not in its real time: the most famous incident being in 1901, when two lady scholars experienced Versailles as it had been in the plague. There's a fascinating story here, about three cadets that felt as though they had been taken back in time when they passed through the village of Kersey in 1957

http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/history/2011/07/21/when-three-british-boys-traveled-to-medieval-england/

The author makes a convincing argument for the boys basically just over-reacting, but there seems to be something in the mythology of experiencing a place as it has been, not as it is. I think I have experienced it, although not in as concrete a way as has been recorded: more of a feeling, a sens that you are not seeing things as they should be. Could one feasibly prove timeslips?

The guilty pleasure

Simon Doonan (arch-voiced window stylist and frequent guest on ANTM) had this to say on the guilty pleasure:

"The notion of the guilty pleasure allows tacky celebs to phone in a little token regret about rabid materialism while simultaneously wallowing in it. You can castigate your cupcake and eat it too."

Quite lovely. I am inspired to no longer feeling guilty about viewing sessions of 'The Real Housewives of Orange County', although I am pretty much resigned to quickly changing the channel if anyone vaguely snarky walks into the room.

more underground hip hop

Red Hot Lover Tone - 4 my peeps (unreleased remix) - the one song spotify has of them, which is pretty amazing in itself

Things I've listened to and vetoed

Clandestien - The Dynasty
HA. where are they from???? Australia. I need to veto this one.

Foreign Beggars - Asylum Speakers
Low rent Lethal Bizzle, if such a thing exists. i don't need to hear the refrain 'still gettin it' 200 x before any verse, thanks

Hilltop Hoods - A Matter Of Time - I think I pretty much need to ban any australian rap.

Music I need to get on

I need a little changeup in my cd playa (playa playa playa x 65), as Wu Tang is not appropriate for cruising in traffic of a majority white neighbourhood at 8am.

Hi-Tek: Hiteknology
Antelligens
Jurassic 5
Run DMC

KLash and Genesis Elijah
Beware - Big Pun
Verb T & Harry Love - Back To Basics.
beatnuts - take it or squeeze it
K Salaam: The World Is Ours
Scorzayzee - King of Notts mixtape
Young Jeezy
Q-Tip - Amplified
Slick Rick
Custom made

bone thugs-n-harmomy

obscure
Non Phixion
unknown prophets.
strange fruit project - the healing
dalek
prefuse 73
the visionaries

underground
styles of beyond
Apathy
7L and estoric

old gems
Take A Walk - Masta Ace
Paparazzi - Xzibit
ice cube - the predator
KRS-ONE
Atmosphere
Killah Priest
Common
DMX
Boot Camp Click
Masta Killa

Reggae
Capleton
Anthony B
Sizzla

Song specific
Pharcyde - Back in the Day
Visionaries-We Are the Ones (Weve Been Waiting For)
Illegal Business by Boogie Down Productions
rakim's the 18th letter (actually, this is an album)

album
KRS One and True Masta: Meta Historical

Bullshit bullshit bullshit: the boredom of procrastination

Why am I so filled with ennui? Lethargic, apathetic, and with a cough that can really clear a room (I experimented with this at last night's screening of Harry Potter: The Final One, Bitches. Interestingly, people really love Harry enough to put up with two hours of my phlegm.)

In the last hour I have been making a list on Microsoft Word on what I would pack if there was a zombie plague. It turns out I am no Bear Grylls because I keep accidentally packing things like pewter ornaments with girls stroking unicorns in there. I can't even fake-pack sensibly, what is wrong with me.

What could I take? The first practical thought that comes to mind is a spare change of dry clothes. I'm my mother's daughter, really, no matter how hard I try and cultivate the manic pixie (which wouldn't work because I'm not thin enough to be one. It seems like there should be a weight barrier on manix pixie-ness, doesn't there? Kirsten Dunst in Crazy/Beautiful [and real life], Taryn Manning, MaryKate Olsen, Paz de la Huerta...all skinnies)

Rope, I suppose, a stanley knife - all those things that would literally never come in handy in real life but would be perfect for zombo-apocalypse. A torch? Bin bags? Because if no-one has come to clear my rubbish in a month now, fat chance there'll be someone when night creatures prowl the streets.

Speaking of Harry Potter, Harry Potter review:

It was good. Not as good as the last one, better than the first one with all that shit computer re-imagining of quidditch. I haven't seen the rest. Also, I have a very rational love for Rupert Grint and his terrible, terrible acting.

So, guess it's the shallow world of Entertainment journalism

The title of my blog, levin or anna, would suggest that I am merging the two worlds of physical and intellectual. Sadly, with the last of a friend's horses sold off, and bills to pay I find myself trudging along the busy path of entertainment journalism. Before you feel too sorry for me, remember I get to meet (well, stare at) people like Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz - not bad, huh.

If I was reading this, I'd be thinking, "I don't give a shit about your own personal growth, I want the dirt dished on celebs." Having left a media law course incomplete (because it was so full of ennui), I'm not really well versed at getting sued up the ass and so forth, so maybe I'll verr on the cautious side. All statements below are personal opinion, not verified truth. Please don't hurt me.

Johnny Depp: Very nice and very charming and very funny. I know, BORING, right? From what I can tell he has a healthy and happy marriage. If he has cheated on Vanessa I haven't heard a whiff of it.

Penelope Cruz: very groomed, slightly prone to fits of grumpiness, though I suppose this may be attributed to her wild Spanish side (not to stereotype at all!) I did meet her when she was preggo though, and if anything will put you in a bad mood, that will.

Mike Grubbs (the bartender on One Tree Hill): Woofh, really keeping it A list on here! Very nice and charming, almost British. Because obv. you can't be either of these two things if you're not British.

Tom Cruise: all I can say, is, Katie Holmes ain't gettin any

Drake: All I can say, is, Nicki Minaj or Rihanna or whatever video honey he's rumoured to be with....none of them are gettin any. Isn't it interesting that very famous people are linked with very famous people? Publicity drive, mebbe?

stay tuned....

Ladymags

Having just completed an amazing four or so weeks at a ladymag (no names, please, I am British), I have been contemplating the state of womens magazines in general.

Have been lurking around on xojane after Jezebel slammed it; have to say, apart from the lack of content from a mammoth devourer such as myself (if I like something I tend to read through eighty pages of archives until I am even blinder than usual), I do like it.

The title 'My rapist befriended me on facebook and all I got was this lousy article' would make for a pretty hilarious t-shirt, is all I'm saying. Emily, think you're missing out on a major business coup there.

I think that established ladymags have trouble with reaching the same kind of intimacy that online ventures like Jezebel and xojane do, simply because they have bigger corporations like Conde Nast that they could potentially royally piss off, and you can't talk about labia hygiene on one page and have a Tods ad on the next. (Unless Gwyneth likes that idea)

Also, more established 'brands' tend to want to present their company as a unifying voice, rather than a lot of women who disagree a lot of the time. Hmmm.