How to survive and succeed in the world of journalism? Here's four tips for ya. There'll be more forthcoming just as soon as I get one of those ergonomic chairs (see 1))
1) Take up Pilates
A tip that I have not taken up (the money! It’s hard to think about finding your core when you can’t pay a measly council tax bill) Ok, so if you don’t do this, at least get a good office chair. Can’t afford that either? Steal a co-worker’s when they’re on holiday, and pretend not to notice when they wonder why their chair is so squeaky. Get up a lot. Go and get water. Do the coffee round. Offer to run everyone’s errands.
Back pain is a bitch, man. 10 hours plus hunched furtively over a computer screen does wonders for your posture if your aesthetic ideal is that old paedophile in Family Guy. From taking up smoking, I have reduced the sting in between my shoulder blades to a persistent ache. Granted, I’ve probably taken 15 years off of my life, or guaranteed a fun throat box-thingumajig, but tomayto/tomahto, right?
2) Schmooze like a mofo
Well hello, random beardy man from News of the World! So good to meet you! Yes I will take that proffered glass of warm, opaque champagne! No, I didn’t water that plant with it for fear that you had slipped a roofie in it! No, it hasn’t horribly missed the potted plant and is now dribbling all over the floor onto an irascible photog’s cable!
You get the drift. Be nice to everyone, with a couple of exceptions. Scottish workies who are severely regretting paying for a Travel-lodge for a miserable week of steaming clothes can probably soak up your misplaced anger. They’ll go back up to Scotland, and everyone knows there is no culture there.
3) Learn the lingo
Go to press. Running copy. Contacts and collects. B2B. Hack. Learn all these terms, and drop them in at random throughout your career. If you still don’t really understand the difference between ATL and BTL advertising, try not to worry too much, because no-one else does either.
4) Cop an attitude
In journo world, every PR is a pain, every real-life is difficult, and all rival magazines are idiots. Every phone conversation should follow with a long sigh, a cried expletive, or putting the offender on speaker so the whole room can hear their ignorance. You should be casually blasé about famous-people interviews, and always make disparaging remarks about them not looking quite so luminescent in real life. For any celeb couples, he is always gay, and she is always a bulimic beard.
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