Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Kreayshawn says she is asexual, I just think she smokes too much weed


So, I love Kreayshawn. Yes ‘Gucci Gucci’ is hella annoying, but at least it introduced ‘basic bitches’ into the mainstream lexicon. She just seems fragile, like a baby bird you want to quietly stroke while it coos in a basket. But she just did something really stupid by telling xojane that she’s asexual.

Nooo! She falls under the 1% of celebrities who are too open about their personal life. Don’t let someone quote you on that! It’s not like Tim Gunn, who to be honest, after 29 years of not having sex is probably pretty clear in his life decisions. Two years is not that bad, especially if you’re a massive pot-head. Listen to what she says about her drug habits.

“I’ve been smoking over an eighth, and that’s just on a normal smoking relax, and this is between two or three people. We had some hash oil last night, so that was crazy. I’ve sipped sirrup, which is like cough syrup, promethazine and codeine. And prescriptions, but I don’t play around. I’ve never done shrooms or coke or acid. I’m a little skinny girl. I’m scared.”

Awww. Kush seriously does kill the sex drive. How the hell Lil Wayne has about 13 children, I don’t know.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Courtney Stodden loves animals, or something

Well this is a non-bit of news about our favourite 45-year-old teenager Courtney Stodden. The child bride (of 'Green Mile' actor Doug Hutchinson - everyone calls him that because that was basically the only film he's ever been in in his 51 years) istalking about helping PETA. I'm so bored of PETA's faux-shock tactics. The only reason actresses pose for the charity is they want people to see them naked under the guise of 'a good cause.' This is Courtney's quote of why she wants to help out:

'We have two doggies and one kitty. Bizarre is my pink dog, and we have a little teacup yorkie her name’s Tuna and we have a havana brown cat, Chocolate Monkey,' she said.

Puppy love: Courtney kisses her furry friends as she poses up for the camera
Courtney Stodden with her non-rescue dogs
 'I will be discussing ways to help animals, what you guys can do. Ways to support PETA and ways to help save lives.'

'I’ve always loved animals. Animals are innocent creatures and they’re beautiful and they need help and we can help them. Growing up I was surrounded by a house of animals, kittens, dogs and my heart has been completed because animals are wonderful companions.'

Smitten for kittens: Posing with abandoned pets from LA. Animal Services, Courtney spoke to the camera about why she has become a vegetarian
That cat is for sure trying not to get glitter on his haunches
'I am [here] with a little girl kitty, she is from the LA Animal Services. There are about 7 to 8 million animals right now who need homes. So if your thinking about purchasing an animal and welcoming a beautiful angelic creature into your home, please get them from animal shelters.”

So to sum up, she can buy her animals from private owners and/or puppy mills, but you definitely shouldn't. And she can dye her dogs pink, because that's not weird at all. 

Fame-hungry: Courtney wears her stripper-style heels for a shopping date with husband Doug earlier this month
It almost makes me want to serve up a nice big plate of dog a la Korea. I can't wait for her reality show, though - I wonder what she takes (percocet or vicodin are my two guesses). There's no way she's not a pharmaceutical druggie; you'd have to be to get raunchy with that every night.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Baby's first Vogue Cover: Taylor Swift

The girl done good! Taylor Swift had her first Vogue cover and photoshoot, and the pictures are pretty beautiful. I think it was DListed who described Taylor as looking like: 'Chinese trailer trash', and as mean as that is (I would say racist but the writer at DListed is Asian so that makes it ok? No?), I seriously have not been able to get that description out of my head for about two years. Now, she's casting off her virginal, white-dress persona with the help of some serious styling.

Well, maybe this will do it. Taylor styled like Stevie Nicks/Talitha Getty/Eighties supermodel/Twiggy with floppy hats, long kaftans, freckles and some seriously blue eyes.

Taylor Swift Vogue shoot, looking very Cavalli-esque

Huge fringed poncho, sunglasses and super tight jeans - love this. She's a frickin rockstar, why doesn't she wear this all the time? She could easily be in a Roberto Cavalli advert.

Tay Swift Vogue shoot by Mario Testino. See the bald man?

Ok, the hat is slightly too big in the back, but more distracting is the bald man who APPEARS TWICE in the picture. It reminds me of Scubs when Turk is annoyed he appears twice in the brochure for a college he never went to so they could ramp up the diversity. Is Vogue trying to stop people calling it bald-ist? Or am I baldist and this is two different men?

Taylor Swift vogue shoot with fireplace

NICE  home decor. I want that fireplace.

Taylor wearing Rodarte. I knew there was a reason it was my fave.

Probably my favourite shot; I like the fringe, the long sweeping kaftan by the lovely Rodarte sisters, and the Eastern insouciance. If she'd been smoking hookah it would be the perfect picture.

The cover! Taylor Swift for Vogue Feb 2012

Last but not least: the cover. See what I mean about her eyes being blue? The fringe is a little over-straightened for my taste, but I see where they were going. Hopefully this shoot will inspire her to chuck away the virginal white dresses and take a step up the fashion ladder. I'm thankful she's not in cutouts/rippedjeans/bustiers, but there's only so many nude princess frocks a girl can wear.

Pretty Little Liars, S2 Ep 7

NB: I've changed the blog's name from levinoranna to lowbrowguilt. I wanted popculture whore but that name was taken by someone who hasn't updated their blog in six years. Blerg!

I fully intend to recap all of Pretty Little Liars, but for now I'm watchin season 2, episode 7.
So basically, Aria is with Ezra but Jason is vying for her attention in that floppy haired way of his. Spencer is still gazing around like an excitable fawn, and trying to wrestle hockey sticks out of her dads hands, Emily is living with Hannah while she studies and tries to get a scholarship that she lied and told her parents she had. Finally, Hannah is back with Caleb, learning about his shady past conning people at the DMV. Or something, I was too busy staring at him to fully take in the plotline.

Jason and Aria, Pretty Little Liars

One thing I like about Pretty Little Liars is how effectively it sends shiver up your spine. To be honest, I have no idea what's going on half the time, or why Aria is dismayed to find that Officer Garrett has a ceramic pot of Jenna (the blind one) in his house, but I still got goosebumps when Spencer got a text that says: 'DO NOT TRUST GARRETT' while she's sitting in the car with him.

It will end up annoying me that we never find out who A is. Or who killed Alison. I still maintain that Alison is still alive, like some wild Tupac conspiracy theorist. The suspects now stand at:
Emily's dad.
Spencer's dad, who is looking pretty shifty at this point. Who throws a potential murder weapon into a fire?
That one with the funny nose who's going out with Spencer. wtf is his name?
One of the girls.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Celebrity Blind Vices: The Gay Edition

Syd the Kyd of Odd Future

So I wrote about Syd the Kyd this for hip-hop gossip site TaleTela. And oooh, she did not hold back. Alicia Keys, Missy Elliot and Queen Latifah? All lesbians, if we're to believe the only gay, female member of Odd Future, aka Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Em All.

I believe her direct quote was:
"There's Alicia Keys, who's married to Swizz Beatz - we know that s--- ain't real. You got Queen Latifah kissing Common in movies. Missy Elliott saying she don't wanna hang with bitches. You know she loves her some bitches."

'You know she loves her some bitches'. Hahahahaha. Ok, let's break this down. Queen Latifah is gay, and openly enough for it to be a pretty poorly kept secret. Here she is on a yacht with her ex-girlfriend Jeanette Jenkins (who she previously said was her 'personal trainer' - come on now, you aint getting any skinnier)

Queen Latifah being gay
Missy Elliot has always raised eyebrows, but at first I though it was idle gossip about a lady that was pretty much a boss man. LOVE her. But then 'The Road to Stardom' came on and there she was giving private advice to the show's eventual winner, Jessica Betts, who was openly lesbian.

And then we have Alicia Keys, who is married to producer Swiss Beatz and has a child with him. Really?! 

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz
  Yeah, I don't think so. Quick callout to all the closeted gays in hip hop: COME OUT. We love your music, not your sexual preferences. 

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Celebrity Blind Vices, take 2.

If you'll take a look back at my earlier musings on celebrities' dirty little secrets, you'll see that I clearly made a huge error in thinking one couple in celeb-land are happy. According to various sources, Johnny Depp has been playing away/or just flirting, but in either case rumour has it that him and Vanessa Paradis are near Splitsville (probably one of my least favourite noughties phrases EVER, by the way. I'm ashamed of myself). Take a look:

Don't think that's him? One more then:


Ok, that still looks like a crappy impersonator, but it honestly is him with his publicist, aka Robin Baum. Yes they could be kissing on the cheek, but I wouldn't get that friendly with someone I hired. It'll be a shame if they split; I think it's quite nice they've been together for 14yrs and not got married - hooray for unconventional relationships! But clearly, the celebrity machine has chewed up and spat out another couple. 

On the plus side, guess who might be single soon? 

5 desert island beauty essentials

So, the idea of beauty 'essentials' if you were stranded on a desert island is perhaps a little absurd, but it's January, I'm a bit nippy, and just thinking about beaches is helping me out. 

Say you have water, ok? There's a freshwater pocket in the ocean, don't ask me how these things work, but you have water. And coconuts. And maybe a bushel of pigs. And there's a man there if you're straight, or a woman if you're bendy, so you would want to put makeup on to lure them in. And they'd be fit. All right. I feel like that is a lot of 'ifs', but it is an excuse to list undoubtably the best makeup products of 2011. !Vamos a la playa!

Number 5

Dove damage therapy conditioner intensive repair

Thinking rationally, my friend Lucy helpfully pointed out that a deserted beachy island would probably be quite a coup in providing some natural beauty alternatives. Free beauty products! You can tell why she owns a blog called thriftylodge. Sand is a beautiful exfoliant, salt water and sun clear up your skin (so no concealer), and never again would you have to purchase anything from Tigi with the words 'surf' or 'spray' in the title. However, I'm imagining the elements might be quite rough on the tresses. That's where Dove's damage therapy conditioner comes in. It's cheap (750ml for £1.19), and it really does the job if you have dry, split hair that has been damaged by the sun. As some detractors have pointed out, it does coat your hair with silicon, but to be honest you can always just use a clarifying shampoo if you feel like you're getting build-up. But who doesn't like silky, plasticky build-up?! I don't understand the world. Moving on, at number 4 we have...

Number 4
Shiseido eyelash curlers

Where would I be without lash curlers? I'd be up shit creek, and I actually am up shit creek because I lost mine at a friend's house, and am too cheap to get some more. But if you are new to the lash curling world, you may as well leap in with a bang (mixing metaphors), and go for Japanese brand Shiseido's offering. They are quite expensive - about £16 in London - but if you buy a terrible pair you'll only rip off about eight lashes, get really frustrated and throw them in the bin. Shiseido have been around since 1872, and have managed to develop a pair that look like any other, but don't pinch, get the littlest lashes, and actually produce a curl that makes a noticeable difference.

Number 3

Lancome hypnose mascara

You may as well not bother curling your lashes if you're not going to put mascara on, is my motto. Having said that, I do have quite small eyes so I think the bambi thing is always in the back of my mind when it comes to eye make-up. Bigger is better! If you're looking for natural looking mascara then this is not the product for you. However, I think TOWIE, Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives have reinterpreted natural makeup to the point where I don't consider false lashes for daytime that outlandish.
Lancome's Hypnose mascara comes in a nice curvy tube (I always appreciate an ergonomic design), has the option of curvy or non-curvy brush, and lengthens lashes like a motherbitch. It also adheres to lashes like a motherbitch, so invest in makeup remover a little stronger than a wetwipe to get this baby off.

Number 2

L'Oreal Sublime self-tanning gel

Can I try and defend putting fake tan on a desert island beauty essentials list? I for one, am vehemently British, and would get so sick of all that sun. Also, you don't want that harsh light beating down on your face all day - it's a recipe for leather face. Rachel Zoe talked about how she never wears sunscreen in her (amazing) book A:Zoe, but she just had a facelift! Hot climate = wrinkles and sun spots. And skin cancer. honestly, it's a wonder they don't bring back the parasol. L'Oreal's Sublime Bronze self-tanner is about 9 quid, which is half the price of San Tropez, and I honestly think it gives a better result. Exfoliate in the shower, dry thoroughly, and put vaseline (or any moisturizer) on your kneecaps, back of knees, elbows - any crevasse, nook, or cranny. Then squeeze some gel onto a mitt, and rub the mitt over your body. I've never tried this stuff on my face, but my friends say it's fine to use if you don't want to shell out on face self-tanner as well. I just trowel on the bronzer to even myself out, but whatever floats your boat, you know. Also get the gel, because every time I use the spray, I discover a beautifully-tanned bit of bathroom wall about two weeks later.

Number One

Le Vernis nail polish, Chanel. (Chanello!)

Coming in at number one, is the old, the favourite...nail polish! Nail polish was the first beauty product that I ever used, and though I have neglected it over the years doing the unkempt, androgynous thing, I know I will always come back to my old faithful. Toes are notoriously disgusting; we all know this, and really the only way round them is to dab on a bit of colour. Kind of like painting a pig. I don't really have a preference for brand: Chanel vernis polishes are good, but expensive. Revlon, No. 7, Maybelline: all good, Sally Hansen and OPI are good too. The only brand I hate, HATE, is ModelCo. Seriously, never buy anything from there, because I have a putrid blusher and a terrible grey nail polish, that I thought would be directional but is just the colour of bellybutton fluff. Aside from them, go for a jazzy colour, test it first, and then just splash it on. The best thing about toes is no-one is ever that close to them (unless you're dating a foot fetishist, and if you are then you probably won't need any advice from me about how to keep your feet spick and span). So you can pretty much apply it blind, and it'll look good.  

There you have it... 5 essential beauty products when you're stranded on a desert island with a man or woman you want to make babies with. (And you already have water and a bushel of pigs)