This is the beginning of my recaps, summaries, episode guides, poetics prose..call it what you will, but it's basically me chatting shit about TOWIE, aka The Only Way is Essex, if the acronym has not been inserted into the very essence of your psyche yet.
As per usual I'm not starting at the beginning. This is Season Five, Episode 1, and a whole lot has changed for our perma-tanned friends.
Let's go!
This is Joey.
Look at him. Bathed in glorious light, like a modern-day Apollo with veneers. The last time we saw Joey he was larking around like a sparrow. I want to say like a lark, but larks aren't known for larking at all, they're actually pretty serious birds that do a good line in singing. where the hell did 'larking about' come from? This segue was because I cannot for the life of me remember his storyline, and I am loath to call him saying 'reem' a lot and wearing short shorts a storyline. Although he's got a new sidekick now, Diags, who is semi-unfortunate looking but plays his part of the ugly best mate with a good-natured humour.
This is Arg.
Look at him! He's had a makeover!Which according to The Daily Mail cost something like 60k. Good old TOWIE: stamping on the gender divide by making boys just as neurotic and looks obsessed as their female counterparts. The makeover is ostensibly to win Lydia back..maybe that's why he got veneers (to match her teeth) Although he is more chipmunk, and she is more horse. Too cruel? let's move on.
Debbie loves his makeover, though. Lovely Debbie - like an essexy white witch, she is.
We also are privy to the innermost workings of Cara, Billie, and Lucy's minds. Here they are:
If that picture is too small, let me clarify. Cara is a 70s vermont apres-ski barbie, Billie is the poor man's Janet Jackson, and lucy looks fine. I have to point out that I will get Cara and Billie mixed up a lot, partly because I can't be bothered to differentiate two people in whom I hold no interest. Much more interesting than their chit chat about some auction party, where apparently its ok to sell girls off like slaves, is that gremlin dog.
hehehehe. He looks like Yoda! Why would you breed a dog to be that twitchy, I don't know. You may as well just shave a guinea pig and be done with it. That dog internalizes all the world's fear and disappointment. I can see it in his eyes. At least Diags can claim he's fitter than one member of the cast.
Maybe.
So Arg has been running, Jess is flirting with Ricky - do we care about that? No, no we don't care about that. And Gemma, who finally got her man as he launched through the club entrance last season wearing a sailor suit (and practically singing In The Navy), is now trying to bed him. continuing on with the maritime theme for these two, we get Charlie drawing her in a sheet, a la Kate Winslet in Titanic. Here she is:
Gaww. I like Gemma, but she has such a thin layer of chutzpah that it takes only a light dusting to reveal the huge wedge of insecurity packed underneath. When she sees Charlie's (hilariously terrible) drawing, her one comment is that he is obviously hinting that she needs a boob job. What on earth?! I'd be more worried that my boyfriend's drawing look like something out of a prison psychiatrist's case file.
LOL'd hard at the lashes - maybe that was the hint, Gemma.
We end with another evening, another party. Cara (or Billies) boyfriend looks like a cute version of Waldo in his little glasses. Cara and Arg are talking about the marathon, Lydia comes over and rejects him with her bum out. Always the way to do it.
Next time on The only Way Is Essex...well, hopefully we get to see Arg's nipples bleed. Marathon time, people!
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